The Holiday Season is a joyous time of the year, but for many thoughts of recently departed relatives weigh heavy on their spirits. Like many of my clients, the loss of my sister Mary Beth one year ago at age 66 years is still forever present in our minds. The singer/songwriter Jack Johnson in his song, “ If I could“, notes “Down the middle drops one more grain of sand. They say that new life makes losing life easier to understand. Words are kind they help ease the mind I miss my old friend. And though you got to go we’ll keep a piece of your soul. One goes out, One comes in.”
Talking about death and dying is never easy. Many of us want to believe that our parents are invincible. But, avoiding an end-of-life conversation with a loved one could have tragic consequences.
Failure to plan may mean someone who has different values from your parents could end up making decisions for them, or that your loved one won’t qualify for Medicaid (Title 19) because they didn’t understand the process. Knowledge is power. Armed with the right information, you can create a strategy that gives your loved one comfort and provides family members with peace of mind.
Our family had end-of-life discussions, which made the final decision-making process easier. We knew what my sister’s wishes were. It is vital to have a frank conversation about this difficult task.
When is the right time to have the end-of-life conversation? We always tell our clients to remember the five D’s – decade, death, divorce, diagnosis and decline. We suggest that when any of the five D’s occur, they should revise their advanced directives. First, if anything significant has occurred in the past decade, you should sit down with your attorney and re-think your end-of-life plans. A death of a loved one, a divorce, a serious diagnosis or a significant decline in your health should trigger a review of your plan.
I learned a lot from my older sister over the years, but quite possibly the most important lesson after her terminal diagnosis was her stoic determination to leave her family prepared for her passing. Her courage and thoughtfulness here was a gift for those left behind.
People have mixed feelings about the topic of dying. Advanced directives (a Living Will, and a Health Care Representative) enable you to communicate your wishes in advance. Our family knew what our sister’s wishes were, so while we are saddened by her loss, we have peace of mind knowing that wishes were respected.
