Dear Attorney Tully: I am and have been a caregiver for my husband for the past 13 years. I am not giving you my name because I am a bit embarrassed for my feelings. Attorney Tully, I am tired. I can’t take care of my husband at home any more. He was stricken when he was 70 years old with a stroke and has never been the same man. As the years have gone by he has developed dementia and his care has increased. I’m 80 years old and my health is failing. I can’t take care of him any more. My son who lives out of state is putting enormous pressure on me to keep “Dad” at home, with no help from my son. Help, Attorney Tully, I don’t know what to do next.
ANSWER: You are not alone. No one knows the pressure and stress you are under, unless they live 24/7 in your shoes. You have to be careful of your own health. Care givers are often the “invisible victim” and stress can often ruin their own health trying to keep a loved one home.
There is no way to successfully run and hide from stress when you are the caregiver for a loved one with dementia. Stress is both normal and expected and should not be cause to be afraid.
Distress, on the other hand goes beyond the boundaries of stress and takes you into a state of danger and desperation. If you are in distress you need to stop being a caregiver and find alternate means of caring for your loved one.
The trick is deciding on which side of the line you fall.
The largest cause of stress you have control over is planning. Failure to plan for the future needs of the cared for and the caregiver is an enormous source of stress.
Anticipate. Think of what the future needs may be by planning for the contingencies. Do not wait until the last moment to call a nursing home attempting to place a loved one. Many wait because they did not want to face the realities of the situation. Others lack planning because the event that led to the placement in a nursing home was unexpected.
Whatever the cause may be, the answer they will most likely get from the nursing home will not be a pleasant one. Although the need may be immediate, there may not be a bed available for weeks, months or even years.
Compounding the problem, when you are desperate to place your loved one in a home because you have waited until the last moment, rarely will they be placed in the home that you desire. Putting them in your second, third or tenth choice will only add to the guilt and stress of the situation.
